i gave in: homeschool mama confessions, part 2

First, if you haven’t read Part 1, please do so now.  If you have, welcome back and thanks for reading.

So, our summer wasn’t exactly fun.  It was very stressful.  I did what some may call “soul searching” after returning from a two-week stay up North.  I say this lightly, since I know very well my purpose in life.  Seek and serve Jesus.  I really meant, how am I going to turn this grief into good.  Out of this tragedy, what is God telling me?  What is He calling me to?

During the last 5.5 months, I have done so much growing.  I have gotten zealous for the right things, and the wrong things.  I started running to expel those swirling thoughts right out of my head, and to work off some grief.  I even ran my first 5K. I’ve signed up for college, and then dropped out.  My motivation for that was purely fear (what if Nick dies and leaves me destitute?).  I’ve gardened, pulling weeds is SO therapeutic.  I’ve knit, I’ve sewn, I’ve distracted myself, and I’ve faced myself.

The kids went to school.

I read at least 4 books.

I had my gallbladder removed.

While searching for my next book on my recovery bed, a title caught my eye.  Desparate: for the mom who needs to breath.  Okay, I’ll bite.  I’ve heard of this blogger before so I went for it.  I posted about my review of this book here.  That’s what God used to show me clearly, precisely what I was spending so much time and energy looking for.  The end of chapter three was a concrete wall.  I ran straight into it.  Whack!  God spoke to me, “You gave up.”

I really did.

The tears came.

Why was I searching everywhere for my new fresh purpose?  My children are my purpose.  I suppose I became discontent with that being all.  Can I just say right here, discontentment is very dangerous.  It drives people in such an oppostite direction, then where the Lord is leading.  I’m thankful that I listened when God called me back at this point.  Discontentment can go farther.  Much farther.  I’ve seen it myself, with people I love.

Discontentment drives people into depression, into adultress relationships, into a money-focused lifestyle.  It drives people to leave their family, into selfishness, into addiction, into separation with God.  Our hearts are the limit here, and they are a bottomless pit of SELF.

Jerimiah 17:9 The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?

Please pray if you think this is taking root in your life.

For me, it drove me to send my kids away, and made my personal call to homeschool void.  I was driven to self-service.  I was looking out for number one.  You may or may not be called to homeschool, but I am.  I know I am.

After a month or so of praying and talking with Nick, we’re back to square one.  I have come full-circle on homeschooling.   I have given in to the Holy Spirit’s convictions.  This is the best possible being to give in to.  I have realized that I didn’t need to give up in the first place.  I needed to seek support for the hard times.

Titus 2:4  And so train the young women to love their husbands and children…

I needed some encouragement to persevere.  That’s all.  I hope you have someone in your life who speaks truth to you, who encourages you in your walk with Jesus. Someone who is honest in the difficulties that moms of young children face.

It’s not easy!

As humans, can we just admit our reality?  Our one picture of daily greatness on Facebook or Instagram, doesn’t happen every moment of our lives.  We aren’t picture perfect.  We aren’t perfect at all.  Our clean houses, happy husbands, and well-mannered children take LOTS of hard mundane work- everyday!

Can we also admit that our houses aren’t always clean, our husbands aren’t always happy, and our children can act down-right uncivilized too?

Thank you.  Doesn’t that feel better?

We don’t have it all together.  No one is a supermom!  Some are close, but everyone has struggles.  I have many.

We are all works in progress.  We need each other.  We’re meant to encourage each other.

So, the Garcia kids are finishing this last week of public school.  It will be a nice end, with parties and plays.  Then, in January, the real test comes.  Will I drink a full pot of coffee a day again, after weaning myself to 1-2 cups?  We shall see.

What are your mama struggles?  What do you need a fresh perspective on?  Why have you not read this above book yet?

Persevere friends.  You will be glad you did.  Be honest.  Be who God created you to be.  As a mom, person, dog, or whoever you amazing people who read this are.

Let the planning begin!

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5 thoughts on “i gave in: homeschool mama confessions, part 2

  1. I love your words and honesty. And how similar our lives sounds… (Minus the farm) homeschool days sound identical though! I will pray for your January fresh start! You can pray for mine!

  2. Tammie says:

    Well said. I find that I question myself often when I should be relying on my Heavenly Father to overcome my imperfections. My hope is to continue to do my very best and be that women that my children & grandchildren look up too….

  3. I read both… I feel like I’ve been through that cycle… but I know God has brought me back to focus on what he’s called me to do and be and that’s the most important thing to strive through… pushing through the brick walls sometimes… it hurts but it’s worth it.

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